Give Me Back My Shoes

(A Wicked Witch of the East monologue)

Glinda got the movie made her way.

This is all anybody ever saw of me in the movie. (slide #2) Then up came this boozy smelling coroner. He already had a Death Certificate in his hands. Mighty suspicious, wouldn’t you say? He stared at my socks and shoes for a moment, and then claimed he had thoroughly examined me. I think a thorough examination of his bank account might tell the true story.

Glinda arranged the whole thing to get her hands on my shoes.

Gossamer Glinda (slide #3) The only evidence you have that I’m wicked is her say-so. She called me the wicked witch of the East. Nobody else.

I’m not wicked. My munchkins loved me. Yes, my pretties, I’ve seen the movie. I’ve seen my sweet foolish munchkins singing "the wicked witch is dead." But where's the evidence, I ask you?

Even in the movie, did one munchkin come forward to complain about how I'd mistreated him or her? Were prisoners released? Did anyone – anyone I ask you – talk about their restored freedoms? Of course not! Because I’m not wicked. I never harmed anyone. The movie is full of lies.

I am appearing before you, my pretties, to appeal for the return of my shoes.

You still think I’m wicked? And you think I have bad taste in socks. Let’s look at slide #1 (slide #4) again. The socks. The socks you love to hate. These socks were a gift from my beloved munchkins. They all wore them. (slide #5) Here is a picture of the stage coach driver. He’s wearing them. All my beloved Munchkins wore these stripy socks. I was honored to wear the socks of my people.

Glinda called me wicked. Those munchkins were really scared of Glinda. (Slide #6) She just happened to be around when that house landed on me. Sickly sweet vanilla-scented Glinda in her musical bubble. Everybody knows that broomsticks travel faster than bubbles. So how come she was there first? My sister sensed when I was in trouble, and she arrived on her fire and sulfur smoking broomstick. (slide #7) But it was too late.

Glinda stole my shoes and put them on Dorothy. (Slide #8) She led Dorothy down the path of crime, starting with possession of stolen property and progressing through murder.You all thought my sister was mean to put Dorothy in that room with that timer. (slide #9) She was only giving Dorothy time out, like you do for your children to think about what she had done – to decide to do the right thing and return the stolen property. But no, Dorothy was well on her way to the criminal lifestyle. She and her brainless, frightened, heartless friends. You’ve seen the evidence with your own eyes. (slide #10)

All I did was rule with love until a manure-smelling farmhouse fell on me. I even wore those ugly socks because they were a gift from my munchkins. If that’s not love, wearing an ugly gift from a loved one, what is?

Glinda left me for dead, she sent Dorothy to kill my sister and expose her other rival, the fake wizard in the Emerald City. And then when Dorothy had done all her dirty work, Glinda took the shoes. Dorothy didn’t give them to her willingly.( slide #11). Glinda had to hypnotize her. And now Glinda has my shoes. But you say, Glinda is prettier than I am. You think that is how you can tell a good witch from a bad witch. It’s all make-up out of a jar. I say pretty is as pretty does.

Glinda never showed you any evidence that I was wicked. She couldn't show what isn’t so. She showed my country the way it was. (slide #12).

Everyone was well fed and well dressed and lived in lovely homes. My people had ample leisure time to enjoy their traditions in folk crafts, dancing and singing, even making huge colorful lollipops. (slide #13) My country was prosperous, healthy and clean. Filled with the scents of blooming flowers and freshly trimmed shrubbery. You didn’t have to waste your time on government meetings like this one. Suffering Suffrage!

Oz only had 4 rulers, and Glinda used Dorothy to get rid of 3 of them. Me. My sister. And the so-called Wizard of Oz. (slide #14) Now, I’m back.

So my pretties, do you want your old life back? Do you want leisure time to spend with your families? Do you want great weather, excellent crops, freedom from crime and freedom from government? Say the word. I'm at your service. Just give me back my shoes! (slide #15) Ha ha ha hahahahaha