copyright 2005

copyright 1999, Gripper Products

Peace at the Dinner Table

Cast:

Robin, the mother

Birdie, the daughter (in her 20’s)

Cassie, the maternal grandmother

Buffy (a dog)

Henry, Birdie’s husband (probably a different race from the women)

Act 1, Scene 1

The livingroom of Robin’s home. Robin is making up the hide-a-bed. Birdie is quilting. A mail-covered table stands beside the hide-a-bed. The walls are decorated with Birdie’s quilts — she is talented. A poster of two women, with the caption Our Mothers Are Our Sisters is on the wall. Buffy enters, with a stuffed bunny in her jaws.

Robin takes the bunny from Buffy and throws it across the room to Birdie.

Birdie

[Birdie catches the bunny and teases Buffy with it. Then she puts the bunny behind her back. Buffy walks back to Robin for petting.]

Mother, Buffy has got to be the dumbest dog in the galaxy. We’ve had her five years now and she still can’t find her bunny when I put it behind my back.

Robin

[petting Buffy]

And we love her just the same.

Birdie

You’d have yelled at me if I were that dumb! You yelled at me if I didn’t get my homework done!

Robin

[pulling sheet taut on hide-a-bed]

You were supposed to grow up and move out. Buffy is supposed to stay home and comfort me in my old age.

Birdie

You think I want to live here? I’ll be out of here so fast — just as soon as my quilts make me famous and rich. So quit nagging! (pause) You’re nicer to that dumb dog than you ever were to me. Why couldn’t you appreciate dumbness when I was her age?

Robin

[pulling up bed cover]

I was younger then. I’ve come to appreciate Buffy in my old age. I’d even say she’s become my guru.

Birdie

[Buffy brings another stuffed animal to Robin.]

That explains why you’ve become so weird lately!

Robin

[Robin throws the stuffed animal and Buffy brings it back to her.]

Honey, I love you. Are you unhappy with me?

Birdie

[Robin throws the stuffed animal again.]

You know I’m unhappy with you! I hate it that you listed your bedroom with the Bed & Breakfast office and now you sleep in the living room. I hate it that the Bed & Breakfast customers come early and you feed them dinner — dinner with our family. I hate it that you talk to them and play with Buffy in front of them. And you tell them all your weird ideas. Don’t tell me you didn’t know I’m unhappy with you!

Robin

[folding up the hide-a-bed]

[Buffy finds the bunny and brings it to Robin. Robin ignores Buffy.]

Gee honey, I’m sorry you’re unhappy. My bedroom brings in $100 a night as a bed-and-breakfast rental. Even more if they come for dinner, like tonight. I know your quilts will make you rich and famous one day. But right now, we need money. So, please, be nice to our guests.

[Robin throws the bunny for Buffy.]

Birdie

So get a real job. Get out of the house. I hate having you around all day. And I hate watching you play with that dumb dog.

Robin

[Buffy returns with bunny. Robin reaches down and pets Buffy]

So you want me to move out?

Birdie

That’s right. You and your little dog, too!

Robin

Isn’t this a little unusual? I mean this is my house. You moved in here with your husband so you could work on your quilting. Now you want me to move out?

[Robin pets Buffy soothingly, sits down and puts Buffy in her lap.]Birdie

You can make $100 a day with your Bed & Breakfast. This house is paid for. You can support yourself if you move out. I can’t.

Robin

Birdie, dear. You’re upset about something. But it can’t be because I’m living in my own home, playing with my own dog. Let me give you a hug.

[she puts Buffy down and takes a few steps toward her daughter.]

Birdie

Not that again! That’s another thing I hate. You think you can fix everything with your hugs and your logic. You don’t understand anything!

Robin

Maybe it would be easier for you if you called me Robin, instead of Mother. It might make you feel more like an adult if you treated me like an equal.

Birdie

Equal! I’m so much better than you it’s pathetic. You’ve never recognized or admitted how wonderful and talented I am. You’re never satisfied. If I did my homework, you wanted me to read for recreation. Here I am making a masterpiece quilt and you bother me with bed-making.

[Henry enters, greasy from fixing cars.]

Henry

What’s for dinner? I’m hungry!

Robin

It’s only 3 o’clock in the afternoon. I haven’t started dinner yet.

Henry

[Henry walks toward Birdie, reaching out to hug her.]

I earned money today. I can take the two of us out to dinner.

Birdie

[pulling the quilt to her body and turning away.]

Don’t get my quilt dirty!

Henry

[looks at his hands. Buffy comes up to him

with her stuffed animal. He takes it and

throws it across the room.]

I washed them with the garden hose. They’re as clean as I can get them. Come on — put down that quilt and let’s go to dinner ... and a movie.

Robin

Go on honey. You’ve been wanting to get away from me for a bit. If you go to a double feature, you won’t even have to see the guests...or talk to them at dinner.

Birdie

Mom — you stay out of this! Let me finish this circle and I’ll think about it. That dog is disgusting. How could she put that bunny in her mouth after Henry touched it with his greasy hands?

Robin

Henry — if you want, you can use some of my goop in the kitchen to get the grease off your hands. Tell me — what did you fix?

[Buffy brings the bunny to Robin and plays tug of war with it.]

Henry

[walks back stage right. We hear water

splashing. He shouts over the water.]

I put a new battery in the Watsons’ car.

Robin

Water won’t get that grease off. Use the goop in the jar beside the sink.

[the water stops.]

My car needs a new battery, too. It can’t go anywhere. Could you put one in tomorrow?

Henry

Take it to Sears. They’ll throw in the labor if you buy their battery.

[he re-enters the living room rubbing goop

on his hands. Again he approaches Birdie.]

Robin

That’s no way to run a business.

[She throws the bunny and Buffy chases after it.]

Henry

[approaching Robin with his hands held out toward her]

It’s good business to save a client money. Why pay me for something Sears will do for free?

Birdie

[she pulls the quilt to her chest and turns away.]

Yuck! Don’t get that stuff on my quilt!

Robin

Honey, put down that quilt and go out to dinner with your husband.

Birdie

I’ve got to finish this circle. Why won’t any of you let me finish this circle?

[Cassie enters. Buffy brings the bunny

to Cassie who at first ignores her.]

(in a low voice) Oh no, it’s the cassowary.

Cassie

How do you finish a circle? Circles have no beginning or ending. I remember that from geometry class.

Birdie

Grandma Cassie, why do you always butt in when you have no idea what’s going on? (Pause) I’ve got to get out of here!

[she puts down the quilt. Henry reaches for her.]

Birdie (continuing)

Go wipe that stuff off your hands.

Cassie

[to Robin]

Why do you let her sass me like that? I never let you get away with talking to me like that.

Robin

She’s upset, Mama. She’s going to say stuff like that until she stops being upset.

[she hands the sheet she’s removed

from the bed to Henry to wipe his hands.

Buffy persists in offering bunny to Cassie.]

Cassie

[Cassie takes bunny and puts it behind

her back. Buffy walks away. Henry

wipes his hands on the sheet.]

You’re not going to send your daughter to therapy, are you? It would be a disgrace to the family!.

Birdie

[to Henry]

Now you have to go wash your hands again! That’s her sweaty old sheet!

Cassie

[to Birdie]

[holding bunny behind her back]

Birdie dear, that’s the first sensible thing I’ve heard you say in years.

Birdie

[to Henry]

C’mon Henry, you can wash your hands at the restaurant. We’ve got to get out of here!

[She places quilt on the chair seat, takes

Henry by the sleeve and leads him to the door.]

Henry

[to Cassie]

Come on, Cassie. Quit teasing that dog. Can’t you see she wants to play? Throw the bunny!

Cassie

I’m trying to teach her to be smart. Some day she’s going to learn that the bunny doesn’t disappear when it goes behind my back.

Birdie

Let’s go. I’ve got to get out of here, before the guests come!

[Birdie pulls Henry to the door. They exit.]

Cassie

(disgustedly) Are you still taking in Bed and Breakfast boarders?

Robin

[gets bunny from behind Cassie and throws

it for Buffy. They continue this game

throughout the next few interchanges.]

Yes, Mama.

Cassie

That’s all you have to say for yourself, Robin? Where’s your dignity? Your self-respect?

Robin

Do you want to know how my day was?

Cassie

I suppose I should be interested. Tell me. How was your day?

Robin

Let’s see. This morning’s boarders left me a tip because they really liked the breakfast. And I’ve almost saved enough to put on that greenhouse I’ve been wanting...

Cassie

The answer is Great. You say, My day was great!

Robin

Huh? Mom? I’m supposed to say my day was great, no matter what happened? You don’t want details?

Cassie

Why would I want the details of your day? Your days are all alike. You get up. You do yoga. You meditate. You walk that stupid dog. You cook. You clean up from the B&B folks. You get ready for more B&B folks. You aren’t supposed to bore people who care enough to ask how your day was — so you tell them your day was great.

Robin

I never could keep up with fashions. You should have had Birdie for your daughter — you’d have understood her. She cares about fashions. She doesn’t like the bed and breakfast boarders. She’s always criticizing what I wear. You two could have a great time together complaining about me.

Cassie

No you don’t. I’m not taking that freeloading wannabe artist off your hands. If you want to let her and her grease-monkey husband live with you, that’s your stupid choice. I can come here and gloat that all my children have moved out — I’m a better mother than you are!

Robin

Since your days are more interesting than mine, tell me: how was your day?

Cassie

Great! My day was great!

Robin

Details, Mom! Tell me — what did you do today?

Cassie

I didn’t come here for pleasantries. I came here to watch your television. Mine’s broken and I want to watch my soap.

Robin

[laughs]

Okay. It’s in the guest room.

Cassie

How dare you laugh! Didn’t I teach you not to laugh at your mother?

Robin

This would be easier for me if I could call you Cassie, instead of Mom.

Cassie

I’ll always be your mother. I want you to remember that. So far as you are concerned, my name is Mom, and will always be Mom.

Robin

Okay, Mom.

Cassie

Why is your television in the guest room instead of in the living room where it belongs?

Robin

I get a better rating from the B&B board if the television is in the guest room. Which reminds me — the guests are coming early tonight, so they’ll be having dinner with us. Please be nice to them.

Cassie

You care more about what the B&B board thinks, than what I think! I’ll tell your customers what a bad mother you are.

Robin

Mom! You know I love you.

Cassie

Then bring the television to the living room so we can watch it properly.

Robin

I don’t want to watch the television. I want to read this book about starting a greenhouse.

Cassie

We never do anything together. I thought you were into this mother / daughter bonding that’s so popular in the women’s magazines.

[Henry and Birdie enter, tired, yelling at each other]

Birdie

You should have been fixing our car instead of the Watsons’.

Henry

I got paid for fixing the Watsons’.

Birdie

Now we have to eat Mom’s health-nut cooking for dinner. And make nice with her guests!

Henry

How was I supposed to know our car would break down?

Birdie

You’re the mechanic!

Henry

Maybe we could borrow your mother’s, and still...

Birdie

Her car needs a new battery. Remember? We’re stuck here!

[Birdie picks up her quilt, sits in her chair and

begins quilting again.][Robin scans bookshelf.]

Henry

I’ll weld the radiator back together tomorrow. Then we can go out to eat.

Cassie

Oh goody! You’re back! Now all four of us can bond together.

Birdie

You mean you’re staying? I’m stuck with you?

[Robin finds the book she’s been looking

for, and takes it from the shelf.

Begins walking to back of stage]

Cassie

Henry, would you carry the television out from the guest room so we can all watch my soap in the livingroom?

[Henry exits to rear of house]

Robin

You can watch if you want to. I’d rather go read my book.

Cassie

How are you ever going to get close to your daughter if you don’t do things with her? (pause)

[to Birdie]

Stay and watch the soaps with us.

Birdie

Soaps? Don’t you just love Crazy In Love? I can’t wait to see if Michelle’s illegitimate baby survives the car crash!

[Henry returns with the television set.]

Cassie

Put it there.

[indicating the mail-covered table]

[Henry does so, knocking mail to the floor.

Robin dives for it and clutches it to her

chest as she walks toward the back exit.]

[to Birdie]

Oh, the baby will survive. I’ve been praying for it. I’m just worried that Michelle won’t trust Hortense again.

[she notices Robin]

Where do you think you’re going?

Robin

To the kitchen.

Cassie

Running away again. That’s been your pattern since you were a child.

Robin

And it’s saved my life more than once.

Birdie

Come on, Mom. Watch the soaps. It won’t kill you just once.

[She turns on the television. It buzzes.]

Cassie

What’s wrong with the reception? Didn’t you pay your cable bill?

Robin

[turns off television]

I’ve got a roof antenna. I don’t need cable.

Cassie

Then why doesn’t your television work?

Henry

The television needs to be attached to the roof antenna, and the attachment is in the bedroom.

[He indicates the room where he got the television.]

Back there.

Birdie

So, bring the attachment out here.

Robin

He can’t, honey. I had the attachment put into the wall when I remodeled.

[Henry exits]

Cassie

Why didn’t you say so in the first place?

Robin

I told you to go to the guest room.

Cassie

I brought you up with a television. I made sure you watched all the important things for children like the Mickey Mouse Club and Engineer Bill. How could you turn against television?

Robin

I just don’t like the stuff, Mom. I’d rather read.

Birdie

And she tried to make me read instead of watching television. Can you imagine? If it were up to her, I’d never have discovered the soaps!

Cassie

Let’s go in the back room and watch this thing.

[indicates television]

Henry would you be a dear?

[looks around]

[shouts]

Henry! (Pause) Henry!

Robin

[peers out window]

I can see him outside. He’s tinkering with the car.

Birdie

Which car?

Cassie

Never mind. We can hear it on the radio soap station.

[Cassie gets up, crosses room, turns on radio]

Birdie

I guess I can just picture Jason’s darling blue eyes. Aren’t they the deepest turquoise?

Cassie

[sitting down again]

Dear, your set needs adjusting — they’re violet.

[Radio blares: The President has been shot!]

Birdie

You’ve got the wrong channel.

[Radio: The ambulance is arriving.]

Cassie

Rats! They always do that — whenever there’s a big news story, they cancel the soaps.

[She gets up and turns off the radio]

Birdie

That doesn’t make sense. What can I do about the president? So he’s been shot. It’s not as if I drove the ambulance and needed to know where to go to pick him up.

Cassie

I wonder if driving an ambulance is really exciting or if it gets boring like any other job.

Birdie

[shouts]

I’m never bored with my quilt making. (Pause) Henry! (Pause) We’ve got to get him in here to move the television.

Cassie

I’m sure the television is covering the shooting, too. They have a license from the government, just like the radio stations.

Birdie

I’ll write my congressman. This isn’t fair.

Cassie

Your congressman won’t vote for it. He wants to be on the news if he gets shot.

Birdie

Why can’t people just be peaceful and not kill each other and go to war?

Robin

We used to have a saying in the 70's during the women’s movement: How can we have world peace when we don’t even have peace at the dinner table?

Birdie

Is that why you always try to keep me from criticizing you at the dinner table? I think it’s silly. I should be able to say what I think and not have to worry about world violence.

Cassie

Sounds overly simplistic to me — politics is just a bunch of slogans.

Robin

I don’t know — sometimes I get the feeling you two would throw nuclear bombs at each other if you had them.

Birdie

We’re not that bad. Don’t start on your family of man theories. I’m just complaining that I can’t watch my favorite show.

Robin

Think of it this way — politics is another soap opera.

Cassie

Then they need a new script writer. I get to see my soap opera characters in bed with each other. I’m there when they get hurt in a car crash. I see their babies born. I cried more when Michelle’s illegitimate baby was born than I did when you were born.

Birdie

You just knew she loved that baby more than anything in the whole world! The love in her big hazel eyes was so beautiful. The camera did a close-up. You never see that with politics!

[Birdie picks up her quilting again.]

Cassie

Michelle’s eyes aren’t hazel! They’re deep brown, like a dog’s.

Robin

You cried more at a fictional birth than you did at mine! And you always claim you’re a better mother than I am. I cried when Birdie was born.

Cassie

After all that screaming you did when the Lamaze didn’t work, who could tell?

[Birdie looks amazed during the following conversation.]

Birdie

You suffered when I was born ... that’s so sweet. The best moms on soap operas suffer during childbirth. I’m so glad you did something normal!

Cassie

[to Robin]

You suffered? This is the first I heard of it? You screamed, sure. But you were up the next day riding your infernal bicycle.

[to Birdie]

Believe me — your mom never did anything normal. She didn’t even teethe until 10 months. And then when you were born, she insisted on nursing you even after you got teeth.

Birdie

[to Robin]

You nursed me! That’s charming! I love it when they do a close-up of a nursing mom cuddling her baby. Michelle’s pink fingernail polish looks so perfect against that pale yellow baby blanket.

Cassie

That baby blanket is green. And believe me your mother didn’t wrap you in a baby blanket to nurse you. She picked you up, lifted her t-shirt and fed you without any effort at looking perfect!

Birdie

But she nursed me from her own body. That’s love.

Cassie

Your mom was too lazy to sterilize bottles. She just drank her herbal lactating tea, carried you around a front pack or back pack, and put you on to suck like a little leech whenever you cried. If you want my opinion, she looked like a cow.

Robin

Did you watch the nature channel? Those nursing calves were adorable! And the nursing piglets were even cuter!

Birdie

[still quilting]

Mom! You’re gross! Can’t you even let me give you a compliment that you did something right without bringing up disgusting nature shows?

Cassie

Haven’t you learned by now? Your mother never does anything right. Look at her. She’s actually happy the president got shot so she doesn’t have to watch the soaps with us!

Robin

[genuinely upset]

Why do you both hate me?

[off stage — metal clangs]

[Henry screams]

Robin

That’s Henry!

[Robin rushes out side door.

Birdie follows.

Cassie stares at them and sits down.]

[Buffy curls up beside Cassie.]

Cassie

[Throws bunny. Buffy doesn’t move.]

[to Buffy]

Go! Chase the bunny. How dumb are you?

[Buffy doesn’t move.]

Come on, silly girl! Chase the bunny!

[Buffy doesn’t move.]

Are you worried about Henry? (pause) Do you want me to pet you?

[Buffy doesn’t move.]

I’m worried about him too.

[Cassie begins petting Buffy.]

I don’t want to go out there and get in the way. I hate feeling useless. (pause) Do you feel useless a lot? (pause) Such nice soft hair. (pause) Are you sure you don’t want to chase the bunny?

[Door opens. Robin and Birdie lug Henry into the living room,

Robin has most of the weight.]

[Henry’s shirt is bloody on sides and back.]

Robin

Mom, could you lift Buffy off the couch so we can set him down?

[Cassie leans forward, as if trying to stand.]

Birdie

Hurry up, Grams! He’s heavy!

[Cassie stands, and slowly lifts Buffy.]

Cassie

[stares disgustedly at her hands]

This dog needs a bath.

[Robin and Birdie carry Henry to the couch

and dump him clumsily, so he bounces.]

[Henry cries in pain.]

Robin

[begins a healing hands routine on Henry.]

Call 911. The car hood fell on his back.

Cassie

Who are you talking to?

Robin

Birdie. She’s closest to the phone.

Birdie

[picking up phone.]

Why didn’t you say so? You know my name.

Cassie

She should tend to Henry. He’s her husband.

Robin

Then you do it.

[Cassie takes phone from Birdie

Birdie goes to Henry and strokes his forehead.]

Cassie

[dials phone]

It’s a busy signal.

Robin

So hang up and dial again. Don’t you know what to do when you get a busy signal?

Cassie

[dials again]

The car fell on Henry and broke his back. (Pause) What’s your address here?

Birdie

The operator doesn’t know Henry, and the hood fell on him — not the whole car.

Cassie

Just tell me where we are.

Robin

334 Queens Street. Goodness! How do you find this place if you don’t know the address?

Cassie

I just look for the house with the junked cars out front, then I pull the cord and get off the bus.

[into phone]

334 Queens Street.

Birdie

Hurry. He’s really bleeding!

Robin

Would you like me to bring you some ice?

Henry

[groaning]

Not ice!

Robin

[to Cassie]

3^rd is a one-way street. Be sure to tell the driver.

Cassie

It’s a one-way street, going south.

Birdie

Rip up a sheet so I can tie him to stop the bleeding.

Robin

Just hold your hand over the wound. And think healing thoughts.

[Birdie looks at her hands with distaste. Then does as directed.]

Birdie

I do wish they’d hurry. Why aren’t they here yet?

Cassie

[still on phone]

The schools are graduating kids who can’t even read. Why should they know street maps?

Robin

So they can make money from the insurance company when they send an ambulance.

Cassie

What’s the nearest cross street?

Birdie

[trying to get between Robin and Henry]

They’re still asking directions? He’s bleeding!

Robin

[doing healing hands.]

[to Cassie]

South Street

[to Birdie]

Then let me do my healing hands stuff.

[Birdie scowls at her mother, but does not protest.]

Cassie

They’re coming.

Robin

Tell them to hurry. He’s bleeding.

Cassie

They’ve hung up.

[picks up Buffy like a baby.]

Robin

Of course they’ll hurry. That’s what ambulances do.

Birdie

Why are you wasting your time with that healing hands stuff? You know the Philadelphia Association for Critical Thinking said it doesn’t work.

Robin

I’m not hurting him.

(pause)

Get him a glass of water.

Birdie

Why?

Cassie

Didn’t you take first aid, either? He’s bleeding. He’s losing fluid. You need to give him more fluids.

Birdie

You do it. I’m putting pressure on his wound. And get him a sports drink. That’s what they said in first aid.

Robin

I don’t have any sports drinks. I’ll get him some water and put salt and sugar in it.

[goes to kitchen. We hear water running]

Cassie

When do you think the ambulance will get here?

Robin

[from kitchen]

You know as much as I do.

(pause)

Go outside and look for the ambulance. You can wave them down.

Cassie

You’re not getting rid of me that easily. We’ll all hear the ambulance when it comes.

[Robin returns with a glass of water.]

Robin

[starts to lift Henry’s head.]

I’ll hold his head. You pour the water gently past his lips.

[Henry moans.]

[Robin puts his head down.]

Cassie

You hurt him.

Robin

I know. That’s why I put his head down. Now I’m going to the kitchen to get him a bendy straw.

[Robin exits to kitchen]

Birdie

You have bendy straws and you don’t have sports drinks?

Cassie

When do you think the ambulance will get here?

Birdie

I don’t know any more than you do.

[we hear kitchen drawers opening and slamming.]

Cassie

You call them again. Maybe that will hurry them up.

Birdie

I’m putting pressure on his wound. You call.

Cassie

Say please!

Birdie

My husband is lying here dying. I don’t have to say please.

Cassie

I always made your mother say please. Even when she was hungry.

Birdie

Just dial the phone.

Cassie

Didn’t your mother teach you manners?

Birdie

She was mean about it.

[Robin returns with the bendy straw.]

[She puts it in the glass and places it into Henry’s mouth.]

Robin

He’s not sucking.

Robin

Then use the straw like a dropper. Put the straw into the water, cover the top with your finger, lift the straw out of the water and put the bottom end into Henry’s mouth. Then uncover the top and the water will flow into his mouth.

Cassie

You make him sound like a science experiment.

Robin

You have a better idea?

Cassie

When will that ambulance get here? (pause) This dog is getting heavy.

Robin

Put her down.

Cassie

How come nobody in this house ever says please?

[Cassie puts Buffy down.

Buffy gets her bunny and sits beside Henry.

She offers her bunny to Henry’s limp hand.]

[sounds of ambulance]

Birdie

Get that dumb dog away from him. (Pause.) The ambulance is coming.

[to Henry]

You’ll be better soon.

[Ambulance sounds, then silence.]

[Birdie is feeding dropperfuls of water to Henry.]

Birdie

He’s like a little bird. (Pause) It stopped.

[knock at the door.]

[Cassie goes to door.]

Ambulance Driver Voice

Are you the party that called for an ambulance?

Cassie

My grand daughter did. Her husband is hurt.

Ambulance Driver Voice

Do you have ambulance insurance?

Cassie

I have medicare. What does that have to do with Henry?

Robin

Mom. Let him in.

Ambulance Driver Voice

I can’t come in if you don’t have a way to pay me.

Cassie

How much is it?

Ambulance Driver Voice

Which hospital do you want to go to?

Cassie

Jefferson

Ambulance Driver Voice

That’s $400.

Cassie

Will you take a check?

Ambulance Driver Voice

Cash only.

Cassie

Only drug dealers have that kind of cash. (pause) Are any of the other hospitals cheaper to get to?

Ambulance Driver Voice

Jeff is the closest. Are you sure you don’t have ambulance insurance?

Cassie

Birdie, do you have ambulance insurance?

Birdie

Gram, we’re unemployed. We don’t have any insurance.

Ambulance Driver Voice

Are you on welfare?

Cassie

Of course not! We have our pride!

Ambulance Driver Voice

If you can’t pay me, I can’t take him.

Cassie

He’s hurt.

Ambulance Driver Voice

Then drive him to the hospital yourself.

Cassie

I could have done that in the time it took you to get here.

Ambulance Driver Voice

Just give me $25 and I’ll go away.

[Robin comes up behind Cassie.]

Robin

Sue me.

[Robin slams door.]

Birdie

[still using straw to feed Henry, who is still moaning]

Now how do we get him to the hospital? None of our cars work.

Robin

I’ll call a cab.

Henry

[in pain, shouting]

No! I can’t move. Don’t put me in a cab!

Birdie

Get a doctor who does house calls.

Robin

On what planet?

Cassie

They do house calls on Crazy in Love.

Robin

[goes to phone, picks up yellow pages

throws them at Cassie.]

Start calling.

Cassie

[throws book back at Robin]

Don’t talk to me like that! Where are your manners?

[Henry moans]

Birdie

She never had any. I remember when I was eight years old. She held me between her legs and ordered me to say "Please let me go."

Robin

[brings yellow pages to Cassie]

Do you remember why I did that?

[Cassie opens book, dials.]

Birdie

Because you’re mean and power mad, and wouldn’t give me the banana.

Robin

I was trying to teach you to say please. I told you I would give you what you need and if you wanted anything else, like that banana, you had to say please.

Birdie

Can we do this some other time? Henry needs to go to the hospital.

Robin

Your grandmother is on the phone right now, looking for a doctor, like you asked. Anyway, I was in the kitchen making dinner. You came in and said, "I want a banana." I said, "If you want a banana, you have to say, ‘Please, may I have a banana.’"

[Cassie shushes Robin.]

Cassie

[into phone]

Send a doctor over, right away.

Robin

You climbed up on the countertop and walked toward the fridge to grab a banana off the top. I grabbed you down, and said, "If you want a banana, you have to say, ‘Please may I have a banana?’" (pause) You said, "I don’t want a banana. Let me go."

Birdie

[still giving Henry droppers of water]

And you didn’t let me go.

Robin

So, I said, "If you want me to let you go, you have to say, ‘Please let me go.’"

Birdie

That’s insane. I can’t believe...

[Cassie shushes Birdie]

Cassie

That’s right. He’s hurt. The ambulance wouldn’t take him because he doesn’t have ambulance insurance. So we need a doctor who does housecalls and takes checks.

Birdie

That’s no way to discipline an 8-year-old! That’s child abuse!

Robin

It would have been child abuse to let you escape without saying please.

Birdie

Now you see what she is — a power mad lunatic! (pause) When is the doctor coming?

Cassie

When is one of you going to say please?

[Birdie makes a face and turns away from Cassie]

Robin

All right. Mother, would you please tell us when a doctor is coming over here to look at Henry?

Cassie

That’s more like it. But the doctor I called wouldn’t come.

[Henry moans]

Robin

You didn’t say please!

Cassie

How about The Pain Center?

Birdie

Just start calling!

Cassie

That’s no way to talk to me.

[Henry moans]

Birdie

Please just start calling!

Cassie

That’s better.

[she dials]

Do you make house calls?

[Henry moans.]

Henry

Get a back specialist!

Cassie

What do you mean which doctor do I want? Which doctors do you have?

Henry

Get a back specialist!

Cassie

Rosen is a nice name. I like roses.

Henry

Is he a back specialist?

Cassie

Why did you give me his name if he’s out of town? I want a back specialist who makes house calls who is in town today.

[Cassie hangs up phone.]

The woman’s an idiot!

Robin

Okay, Mom. Give Birdie a break watering Henry. I’ll try the phone.

Henry

I don’t want water. I’m not a potted plant.

Robin

You need water.

[Henry spits water at her.]

Cassie

You can’t have him lying here bleeding on your couch when your guests come! And where will you sleep tonight? This is your bed!

Robin

[dialing phone.]

Of course I can have him here — he’s family.

[into phone]

My son-in-law hurt his back. Can you send over a doctor?

(pause)

I already called an ambulance. They wouldn’t take him because he doesn’t have ambulance insurance.

(pause)

No he doesn’t have health insurance, either. Look — I’ll give you a check.

(pause)

Nobody keeps that kind of cash around.

Birdie

Mom! Give me the phone! You can’t do anything right!

[Birdie takes phone from Robin.]

Look, my husband is dying and the ambulance won’t take him. You have to come!

(pause)

You’re doctors! You have to! You took an oath — I saw it on Crazy in Love!

(pause)

No I didn’t see today’s episode. The president got shot.

(pause)

Yes, I’m worried about Michelle’s baby, too.

[Robin grabs phone back.]

Robin

Forget the soap opera. Are you sending a doctor or do I call somebody else?

[Robin hangs up phone.]

[Cassie dips a handkerchief into the glass of water

and begins sponging Henry’s forehead.]

Mom, does Henry have a fever?

Cassie

No, but this is what they do for sick people on Crazy in Love.

[Robin reaches for cloth]

Henry

It’s okay. It keeps her busy.

Cassie

I don’t need to be kept busy.

Robin

Fine. Then you make the phone calls. Somebody has to get this house ready for tonight’s guests.

Birdie

Can’t you cancel them? You’ve got an emergency.

[Cassie dials phone]

[Henry moans]

Robin

All the more reason we’ll need the money.

Cassie

They want to know if he can wiggle his toes.

Birdie

[to Henry]

Can you wiggle your cute furry toes?

Henry

[still moaning]

Not with shoes on.

Cassie

[quickly]

Take his shoes off.

[Birdie begins to remove shoe.]

Henry

Don’t tug!

Robin

He can feel it. That’s good.

[the shoe is now off.]

Cassie

We’re all watching. Wiggle your toes.

[Henry wiggles his toes.]

Yes. He’s wiggling them. (pause) Both feet?

[Robin removes the other shoe.]

Hold on. She’s taking the other shoe off.

[Henry wiggles those toes, too.]

Yes. He can wiggle that foot, too. (pause) They say his spinal cord is intact.

Birdie

Now will they come and take him to the hospital?

Cassie

Now will you come and take him to the hospital? (pause) What do you mean, NO? (pause)

He’s bleeding. He’s in pain. Can’t you x-ray him or something? At least get him out of here before the dinner guests come. (pause) They hung up.

Birdie

Then call somebody else.

Cassie

They said that x-rays don’t fix anything and moving him might hurt him. He’s probably got a cracked rib or even a cracked bone in his spine, but there’s nothing they can do about that.

Birdie

Doctors always fix things on Crazy in Love. Call again, and this time, get a real doctor.

Robin

That was a real doctor. They’d be here if they thought they could help. They don’t want to get sued.

Birdie

They’re not coming because they don’t want to get sued?

Henry

I need to go to the bathroom.

Cassie

You’re not supposed to move.

Henry

Then call the doctor back and ask him how I’m supposed to empty my bladder.

Cassie

It was a woman doctor.

Henry

Fine. Call her back and ask her how I’m supposed to empty my bladder.

Robin

I’ve got a waterproof pad that I put on the guest beds in case they’re incontinent. I’ll get it so you can put it under Henry.

[Robin leaves to get the pad]

Birdie

Henry is not incontinent. That’s why he’s asking to go to the bathroom.

Cassie

The pad is a good idea. We’ll barely have to lift him to get it in place.

[Robin returns with the pad]

Birdie

You two are toxic! That’s the word! Toxic parents. They talk about parents like you two on talk shows. You just want to embarrass Henry! And in front of your houseguests, too!

Robin

[holding out pad]

Okay, honey. What do you want to do?

Henry

I want to piss.

Birdie

Get him to a hospital!

Henry

I need to piss now. Pad or no pad. Are you harpies going to figure out what to do, or do I ruin your couch?

Cassie

Nothing wrong with his voice.

[Henry moans]

Birdie

Get back on the phone and call another doctor.

Cassie

Since you don’t think I do anything right — you do it.

[Birdie goes to phone.]

[Robin goes to Henry and puts pad under him]

Birdie

Keep your hands off my husband.

Robin

I’m not about to jump his bones. Especially when they might be broken.

Cassie

The doc on the phone said to pat down his chest and feel for anything broken and sticking out.

Birdie

Nobody pats down his chest but me.

Cassie

The doc wants to know if he’s still bleeding.

Birdie

Yes, he’s still bleeding. He’s ruined this couch.

Cassie

The doc says to pour cayenne into his wounds.

Robin

I’ll get some.

[she goes to the back stage exit.

We hear more kitchen drawer sounds.]

Birdie

Do you have a real doctor on that phone, or is that Mom on the other end?

Cassie

Just do it. They always do what the doctor says on Crazy in Love.

Henry

It’ll burn me.

Cassie

The doc wants to know if the bleeding has stopped yet.

Henry

Of course not. Does the doc think that being on the phone will stop the bleeding?

Cassie

The doc thinks the cayenne will stop the bleeding.

[Robin enters room with a jar of red cayenne.]

Robin

Where’s the worst bleeding?

[unscrews jar lid.]

[Henry points to his side.]

[Robin lifts up his shirt, Henry moans,

Robin pours on cayenne and pats it in.]

Birdie

(gives short scream) Henry, you didn’t scream.

Henry

It didn’t hurt.

Cassie

I can see from here, the bleeding has stopped. (pause) Okay, doc. Now that he’s not bleeding to death, will you come over? We promise not to sue you.

Henry

If I’m not bleeding, and they can’t fix my cracked bones, what do I need them for?

Birdie

You always need a doctor if you’re hurt.

Cassie

It’s what they always do on Crazy in Love. (pause) No, Doctor, we didn’t see today’s episode. The president got shot. (pause) He hung up.

[Robin continues to put cayenne on Henry]

Birdie

What are you going to do? It looks like you’re getting him ready to put in the oven.

Henry

Will somebody help me roll onto my stomach? I need to piss.

[Robin helps Henry roll over]

Birdie

Careful where you touch him. He’s mine!

Henry

That’s better.

[Robin shakes cayenne on Henry’s back.]

Henry (continuing)

Can’t you wait until I’m done?

Birdie

You didn’t even unzip him first.

Robin

You told me to be careful where I touch him. I was only thinking of you.

Henry

You mean I have to lie in it? It’s getting cold.

Cassie

First it is warm. Then it is cold.

Robin

I didn’t know you read Joyce.

[Buffy brings the bunny to Robin who is still doing healing hands.]

Birdie

Don’t tell me you read too! Is that where mom got it? From you?

[Robin throws the bunny.

Buffy chases it and brings it to Cassie.]

Henry

What is it with you women? You have to have someone to blame. You have to have someone in charge.

Birdie

Honey, that’s just the way it is. There’s nothing wrong with it.

[Robin takes cayenne back to kitchen]

Henry

I’ll say there’s something wrong with it. Three generations of women who hate each other. And you’re supposed to be taking care of me.

Birdie

You’re just saying that because you’re in pain. We all love you.

[Robin returns from kitchen]

Henry

That’s because you don’t know me. You all remember every little hurt you’ve given each other and you never forgive. You just trot out your hurts to hurt each other with whenever you’re upset. You’ll hate me when you know me better.

Birdie

You hear that, Mom? Quit picking on me and Grams while Henry is sick.

[Robin looks pointedly out the window at the front of the house.]

Henry

Birdie, that’s not what I meant.

Cassie

We need a family crisis, like they have on Crazy in Love. Whenever everybody is angry with everybody else, somebody has major surgery, or a baby, or their factory burns down. Then everybody can pull together and forget their hatreds for a while.

Robin

(still looking out window)

Isn’t that what we have here?

Henry

I don’t mean something temporary like a crisis. Crises always end and the people on those shows go back to hating each other. I want you three to stop hating each other.

Birdie

Like what? Should I clap my hands and say, "I believe in fairies?" And then the good fairies will give me amnesia for all the mean things my mom and the cassowary have done to me?

Henry

What did they do? They disciplined you. They forgot about you sometimes. They had lives of their own, and you weren’t always center stage. They couldn’t read your mind. They disappointed you. They didn’t buy you everything you wanted...

Birdie

That’s not half of it. (pause) Mom, why do you keep looking out the window? It’s okay to look at Henry.

Robin

Some young kids are hanging around your car.

Birdie

It doesn’t go. They can’t steal it. Pay attention to Henry and me.

Henry

But it’s all petty stuff like that.

Birdie

How can you call my life petty? (Pause) You’re in pain. You can’t help saying these things.

Robin

Right now I’ve got to get ready for tonight’s guests. Birdie, would you please help me carry the television back to the guest room?

Birdie

Somebody has to nurse Henry.

Henry

I’ll be alright for a few minutes. Buffy will take care of me.

Cassie

What about me? I can nurse you.

Henry

Don’t start another argument. Fine. Cassie, please pass me that glass of water.

[Cassie brings the water from the table to Henry.]

[Buffy comes to sit beside Henry. She has the bunny in her jaws.]

[Robin and Birdie struggle to carry the television to the bedroom.]

Cassie

You didn’t mean that about me, hating my daughter and grand daughter? Did you?

Henry

Yes, I did. You’ve told Robin that you’re a better mother than she is, and you’ve told my wife that she’s lazy.

Cassie

Both those things are true. How is it hateful to tell the truth?

Henry

I love my wife. I think her quilts show real talent, and she works hard on them. I don’t call that lazy. I guess it’s a matter of opinion, but when your opinion is an insult, it shows that you hate. If you loved her, like I do, you’d appreciate her and her quilts.

Cassie

I wouldn’t know a good quilt from a bad one.

Henry

Then how can you judge my wife?

Cassie

At least I can call my own daughter a bad mother.

Henry

Again, your opinion shows that you hate.

Cassie

But she can’t even raise her daughter to grow up and move out. That’s a mother’s job.

[Robin and Birdie re-enter the room without

the television. Birdie is rubbing her hands together.]

Henry

How can you know that? Maybe letting her daughter stay home and make great quilts is a good thing.

Birdie

Mom, would you quit looking out the window!

Robin

Those kids are lifting the hood of your car. I’m going out to shoo them away.

Birdie

Oh, Mom!

[Robin exits.

Birdie watches her go.]

Robin

[off stage]

Hi guys! What’s happening with the car?

[We hear a clang and Robin screams.]

Cassie

What now?

Birdie

Those kids just slammed the hood down on Mom’s head.

Henry

Go get her!

Cassie

Don’t you say please either?

Birdie

Come on Grams. Let’s get her.

Cassie

Shouldn’t I call the doctor first?

Birdie

We don’t know if she needs a doctor. Please help me get her!

Henry

I’ll watch Buffy.

[Buffy brings a bunny to Henry.]

[Birdie and Cassie exit.]

Henry

Hullo, Buff. Robin says you’re her guru. What do you make of all this? (Pause) You want me to take your bunny? I can’t take your bunny. It hurts to move. You want me to pet your head? Okay, I’ll pet your head. You have such nice soft soothing fur. You’re right, Buff. Petting you is good for me. I see why Robin puts you in charge.

[Birdie and Cassie help Robin walk into the living room

and steer her to a chair where they help her sit.]

Birdie

Mom, are you hurt? Do we need to call a doctor?

[Buffy goes to Robin, bringing the bunny.]

[Robin does not respond to Buffy or the question.]

Cassie

(yelling angrily)

Have you gone deaf?

Robin

(puzzled)

Has who gone deaf? And why are you yelling? Deaf people can’t hear you when you yell.

Cassie

At least she hasn’t gone deaf.

Robin

Who are you talking about?

Birdie

She’s talking about you. She’s worried about you.

Robin

Yelling is an odd way to show it. Who are you people and why am I in your house?

Henry

You were trying to stop some kids from stealing parts out of my car. They smashed the hood down on your head. Are you hurt? Do you need a doctor?

[Robin looks at Henry, confused.]

Cassie

(brightly)

I know. She’s got amnesia. They called a doctor for that on Crazy in Love and the doctor couldn’t do anything. (To Henry) That’s Melissa, the one who runs the coffee shop. Even her favorite foods changed when she got bumped on her head, and she didn’t remember her own daughter. And it was so funny to watch her eat that banana with everybody gasping, expecting her to spit it out...

Birdie

It was so sweet when her little daughter hugged her and promised to help her remember.

Henry

So, be a sweet daughter, and help out your mom. Her head’s bleeding. Shake some cayenne on it.

Robin

Who are you people? Are you going to cook me?

Birdie

You shook cayenne on Henry when he was bleeding. Tell me, where do you keep the cayenne?

Cassie

How would she know? (Pause) She’s got amnesia. Goodness, it’s got to be in the kitchen.

[Cassie goes to kitchen, we hear drawer slamming sounds.]

[Buffy continues to offer bunny to Robin.]

Birdie

That’s your dog, Buffy. Do you remember your dog? She wants to play with you.

[drawers continue to open and close.]

Robin

My head hurts. I’m bleeding. I don’t know any of you. And I don’t know this dog.

Henry

Then play with the dog. All the guests here play with Buffy.

Robin

(leaning down taking bunny)

She is a cute dog. Is she smart?

[puts hand to head, in pain. Sits up again, holding bunny]

Birdie

She’s the dumbest dog in the galaxy.

Robin

But you love her just the same.

[Cassie returns from kitchen with cayenne.]

Henry

That’s what you always say about Buffy. What else do you remember?

Robin

I don’t remember saying that before.

[Robin puts the bunny behind her back.]

Birdie

She’ll never find it there.

[Cassie sprinkles cayenne on Robin’s head. Robin sneezes.]

Robin

Why not? She saw me put it there. What is your name, dear?

[Cassie continues to sprinkle.]

[Robin sneezes again.]

And stop that! Sneezing makes it hurt worse.

[Buffy looks up at Robin and waggles her tail.]

Cassie

It really does stop the bleeding. I wonder if they shook cayenne on the President when they got him to the hospital.

Robin

Why is the president in the hospital?

Birdie

Somebody shot him during our soap opera.

Robin

Is this the real president or the soap opera president?

Birdie

You really don’t know anything do you? How are you going to prepare for tonight’s guests?

Henry

Robin’s hurt. You two are going to have to prepare for tonight’s guests. Shouldn’t we call 911 to report the attackers?

Cassie

It didn’t work last time. And they’re long gone now.

Robin

I should leave. You won’t want me around when you have guests.

Birdie

(angrily)

You can’t leave. They’re your guests. You run a Bed and Breakfast. That’s how you pay for this house. Who are the guests? How many are there?

Henry

Yelling won’t bring back her memory. How did Melissa get her memory back on Crazy in Love?

Cassie

She hasn’t yet, but she only had the accident a month ago. Her daughter is helping her remember.

Henry

Does her daughter yell at her?

Birdie

Of course not. Her daughter loves her and is such a sweet girl! And Melissa has a business to run. She could lose the coffee shop if nobody helped her. Even her old boyfriend is pitching in.

[Robin takes bunny out from behind her back

wiggles it in front of Buffy and slowly puts the

bunny back behind her.]

Robin

Reality check! You folks are expecting guests. You’ve got a hurt bloody man on the couch and a hurt bloody woman in the chair. You have nothing to serve them and you’re arguing about a soap opera?

[Buffy grabs the bunny from behind Robin.]

See! She did find the bunny! She’s not dumb!

[Robin leans down to rub Buffy’s head,

then grabs her own, in pain.]

Ow!

Cassie

That’s too much excitement for you. Just sit still. We’ll take care of everything.

[Robin puts the bunny behind her back again.]

Birdie

(loudly)

We will? And how are we going to do that? Can you cook?

[Buffy gets the bunny again and brings it to Birdie.]

Cassie

(loudly)

I raised your mother. I’m a better cook than your mother. Of course I can cook!

[Birdie takes the bunny and hides it behind her back.]

Henry

That’s great but, please keep it down. Robin and I have headaches.

Birdie

Maybe we should call the Bed and Breakfast agency and tell them we’ve had an accident and can’t handle guests tonight.

Henry

We need the money. You can’t do that. B&B is how Robin pays for the roof over our heads.

Robin

Who’s Robin?

[Buffy gets the bunny from behind Birdie.]

Birdie

(loudly)

Look! Buffy did it again! She found the bunny!

Robin

(weakly, holding head)

Please not so loud! And tell me, who’s Robin?

Cassie

You’re Robin. I am your mother, Cassie. This is your daughter Birdie. And the bloody man on the couch is Birdie’s husband Henry. He got hurt by the same car hood that bonked your head. Now, you rest, dear, and I’ll fix dinner. Do you remember how many guests we’re having?

[Buffy brings the bunny to Robin, who pets her gently.]

Birdie

Mom, is this some kind of joke? Are you pretending to have amnesia to get me to be nice to you?

Robin

Aren’t you kind of old to live with your mother? (Pause, looking at Cassie) Or do I still live with my mother?

Cassie

I don’t live here. I just came over to watch the soap opera, and then I stayed when you and Henry got hurt.

Robin

(to Birdie)

And why do you live here?

Henry

We don’t have time for this. Cassie, if you can cook, you’d better get started.

Cassie

Okay, I’ll see what’s in the fridge.

[Buffy brings bunny to Cassie who doesn’t take it.]

Not now, Buff. You take care of the sick people. And Birdie, you set the table.

[Buffy brings bunny to Henry.]

Birdie

(holding quilt)

I’ve got to finish my circle.

Henry

Honey, Cassie needs your help to get ready for the guests. The quilt can wait just this once.

[takes bunny and puts it under the couch.]

Cassie

(poking her

head in from kitchen)

Does this mean, she doesn’t remember anything she doesn’t like about me? She can’t remind me how I used to make her wear lace and use an orange stick on her nails?

[Birdie opens drawer, gets napkins, begins setting table.]

Robin

I don’t know what you folks are talking about. Henry, do they usually act like this, or are they stressed by the two of us sitting injured in their livingroom?

Henry

That’s a tough one...

Birdie

(interrupting)

Where do you keep the salt? The salt-shaker is empty.

Henry

Go look in the kitchen. Robin doesn’t remember.

Cassie

(with salt in doorway)

Here’s the salt. I can’t find the pepper.

Birdie

Robin only uses cayenne. She says it’s better for you. We’ve had that argument...

Henry

Robin doesn’t remember any more. You can stop trying to have arguments now.

Birdie

I wasn’t...

Cassie

It was just asking ... I didn’t mean to start a row. I’ll use cayenne. We’ve got guests to feed. I’m a good cook. I can make this work.

[exits to kitchen]

Robin

(to Henry)

If this is my house, why do I have quilts on my walls instead of my beds?

[Petting Buffy]

[Birdie sets silverware on the table]

Henry

Birdie made them. They’re art. We’re living here until her quilts make her famous and rich.

Cassie

(from the kitchen door)

You could kick her out and make her support herself, like a normal woman her age.

Robin

And then who would set my table while I’m recovering from a bump on the head?

Birdie

You know, Cassie. You could do with some amnesia too. Maybe that’s the key to world peace — everybody forgets why they are mad at everybody else.

Robin

Makes sense to me. (To Buffy) What do you think Buff? You want to eat that yummy stuff Cassie is cooking in the kitchen?

[doorbell rings]

Henry

That must be the guests. Are we ready for them?

Cassie

Yes, we can do this.

Birdie

Just like Melissa’s family on Crazy in Love.

[end]