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Artwork: Freaking Out in a Mask by Will Jacques
Cottage Industry
Kurt Newton
Week One
Concerned about the global pandemic? Worried that sudsing it up in the
bathroom sink just might not be enough? Well, we offer a full line of
scented and unscented hand sanitizers. We've got anti-bacteria, anti-viral,
anti-you-name-it! If you need a microscope to see it, our products kill
it dead. And for those sensitive folks (you know who you are), our hand
sanitizers and spray-on disinfectants are made from all natural, cruelty-free,
no animal testing involved ingredients. Guaranteed one hundred percent
safe. Hell, your little boy can drink it and the worst that would happen
is he'd get diarrhea. It might even perk him up a bit. So, protect yourself
and your loved ones. Spread love not germs. This little pandemic will
be over before you know it. In the meantime, stay clean, stay safe.
Week Three
Safety in the home is one thing. But what happens when you leave your
God-fearing home sweet home and venture out into that big, scary diverse
world? Maybe you need groceries? Maybe you need to refill that prescription
that's soon to run out? What about gas for your vehicle? You need to
leave your home eventually. That's why we're here for you. We offer
a full range of personal protective garments to fend against infectious
attack. If used properly, our hand-sewn face masks and aprons are guaranteed
to keep you safe from all those micro-droplets left in the air by the
person mouth-breathing in front of you. We also have plastic face shields
to catch the goo from that sudden involuntary cough or sneeze in your
direction. This pesky pandemic has caught everybody off guard. But that's
no reason be unprepared. So, what are you waiting for? Stock up. Stay
safe.
Week Five
Guns. If you've never owned one, maybe now's the time to think about
getting one. This pandemic ain't no hoax, folks. People are disintegrating
right before our very eyes. With essential items such as toilet paper,
cigarettes and beer in short supply, it won't be long before your local
IGA runs out of food. Then what? It's every man for himself, that's
what I say. We got hand guns. We got rifles. We got pump-action shotguns.
AR-15s, AK-47s, you name it. And since licensing requirements have been
waived due to social distancing, you can pick yours up today. No background
checks, no waiting. Just like in the good old days. So, stock up on
food. And guns. And don't forget the ammo. Because you've got a right
to defend yourself. The Constitution says so.
Week Seven
Are mass burials just not for you? Is your state-sponsored interment
task force a bit too impersonal when it comes to you and your loved
ones? We offer a full line of personal burial treatments. From custom
caskets to pinewood boxes, cremation urns and burial ash keepsakes.
Due to travel restrictions and quarantine, we offer late-night curbside
pickup. And for those special circumstances, we'll get a couple of our
boys to dig a nice big hole in your backyard. We'll even throw in a
bag full of lime. Just because the pandemic took down one of yours doesn't
mean they can't be laid to rest with the dignity they deserve. So, when
the time comes, give us a call. But don't wait too long. We're here
for you, even if you can't be.
