[an error occurred while processing this directive]

Dissections logo scissors body by Deena Warner


Dissections logo pterodactyl by Deena Warner





Freaking Out in a Mask b/w drawing by Will Jacques

Artwork: Freaking Out in a Mask by Will Jacques

Cottage Industry
Kurt Newton

Week One
Concerned about the global pandemic? Worried that sudsing it up in the bathroom sink just might not be enough? Well, we offer a full line of scented and unscented hand sanitizers. We've got anti-bacteria, anti-viral, anti-you-name-it! If you need a microscope to see it, our products kill it dead. And for those sensitive folks (you know who you are), our hand sanitizers and spray-on disinfectants are made from all natural, cruelty-free, no animal testing involved ingredients. Guaranteed one hundred percent safe. Hell, your little boy can drink it and the worst that would happen is he'd get diarrhea. It might even perk him up a bit. So, protect yourself and your loved ones. Spread love not germs. This little pandemic will be over before you know it. In the meantime, stay clean, stay safe.

Week Three
Safety in the home is one thing. But what happens when you leave your God-fearing home sweet home and venture out into that big, scary diverse world? Maybe you need groceries? Maybe you need to refill that prescription that's soon to run out? What about gas for your vehicle? You need to leave your home eventually. That's why we're here for you. We offer a full range of personal protective garments to fend against infectious attack. If used properly, our hand-sewn face masks and aprons are guaranteed to keep you safe from all those micro-droplets left in the air by the person mouth-breathing in front of you. We also have plastic face shields to catch the goo from that sudden involuntary cough or sneeze in your direction. This pesky pandemic has caught everybody off guard. But that's no reason be unprepared. So, what are you waiting for? Stock up. Stay safe.

Week Five
Guns. If you've never owned one, maybe now's the time to think about getting one. This pandemic ain't no hoax, folks. People are disintegrating right before our very eyes. With essential items such as toilet paper, cigarettes and beer in short supply, it won't be long before your local IGA runs out of food. Then what? It's every man for himself, that's what I say. We got hand guns. We got rifles. We got pump-action shotguns. AR-15s, AK-47s, you name it. And since licensing requirements have been waived due to social distancing, you can pick yours up today. No background checks, no waiting. Just like in the good old days. So, stock up on food. And guns. And don't forget the ammo. Because you've got a right to defend yourself. The Constitution says so.

Week Seven
Are mass burials just not for you? Is your state-sponsored interment task force a bit too impersonal when it comes to you and your loved ones? We offer a full line of personal burial treatments. From custom caskets to pinewood boxes, cremation urns and burial ash keepsakes. Due to travel restrictions and quarantine, we offer late-night curbside pickup. And for those special circumstances, we'll get a couple of our boys to dig a nice big hole in your backyard. We'll even throw in a bag full of lime. Just because the pandemic took down one of yours doesn't mean they can't be laid to rest with the dignity they deserve. So, when the time comes, give us a call. But don't wait too long. We're here for you, even if you can't be.


Dissections logo pterodactyl by Deena Warner
Website maintained by Michelle Bernard - Contact michelle.bernard64@gmail.com - last updated April 22 , 2021