[an error occurred while processing this directive]
Artwork: Hearing a Noise Outside the Window
by Will Jacques
Test Subject Wanted
Craig R. Eckert
Needed for invasive procedures, various probing and prodding are bound to happen. Allergies to medication and sterilizers preferred, such as iodine and penicillin. Allergy to latex will not be tolerated. There are height requirements; you cannot be shorter than 4’2” or taller than 6’1”. The eye color must be either brown or blue; green and hazel eyes will not be permitted. While most children fit the height requirement we need a signed waiver allowing the procedure. The signature does not need to be the parents’. Please bring a list of next of kin that should be notified if something goes wrong. Something usually goes wrong, so this is a must.
You will not be given anesthesia for the procedures, nor any types of painkillers. You may show up sober or inebriated; that is your choice. There will be no food or drink provided. Just the instruments which will be used, and our cheery demeanor. Our cheery demeanor includes one smile, a slow wink, and a thumbs up.
The procedure involves either or both removing and adding objects from your body, heavy bleeding, the scent of formaldehyde, and copious amounts of physical agony. There is a mandatory tooth removal, you will not get this back. If you think you may lose too much blood bring your own. This is a BYOB operation meaning you bring your own blood. The blood you bring should match your own blood type. No, we will not tell you your blood type.
We want to know the length of your intestines. Don’t you want to know how far they can stretch? Or if you can jump rope with them? We want to jump rope with them. The current record is six before they tear. We would like to beat this record; hopefully yours is sturdier than the last.
Compensation is limited. We have one very used stuffed
lion, the set of instruments we operated with, three two-dollar bills
that have been made into origami cranes, or a group hug led by the team.
I do not recommend the group hug as some of the surgeons can get handsy.
