THE TIME TRAVELERS' GUIDE

by Katy Thorp

     Congratulations. You've found the blueprints and built yourself a time machine. That means you're wealthy enough to purchase all the components and smart enough to put them together into a working model. (By the by, it does work.)

     Now you're wondering why, if the machine works, you weren't transported. You followed the instructions to the letter, set the time circuits, pushed the button, and got, instead of a great flash of light and your chosen historical period, this pamphlet. Fear not, it's all part of the machine's design.

     We at the Temporal Control Bureau would like to have a few words with you, the prospective time traveler, before we let you set off for the adventure of a lifetime. As with the operation of a car, experience will make you a good driver, but only a course in the rudimental operation will make you a safe one. To this purpose, certain precautions should be noted before you set out. For instance, the absolute accuracy of settings on the time circuits is vital. Without proper preparation, the traveler could land in the right place at the wrong time or in the wrong place at the right time.

     Before the writing of his pamphlet, one traveler ended up in two places. One unfortunate traveler, wishing to witness the final surrender of Lee at Appomattox, arrived two days late and found only an empty farmhouse. Another set the proper time frame to watch the coronation of Catherine the Great, only to find himself in her wardrobe, surrounded by acres of velvet. These particular occurrences are not covered in the machine warrantee, so be very careful.

     Spatial coordination can be insured with an accurate cartographer's map of the area with longitude and latitude markings to within a few steps of your destination, plus an overlay of the area as it was at the moment of your planned arrival. Landmarks shift and so do buildings. If you have any thoughts of traveling to pre-1906 San Francisco and environs, don't forget to take the great earthquake and subsequent fires into account in your calculations.

     Another thing travelers' need to concern themselves with is language. One colleague in an effort to watch the first production of Oedipus Rex neglected to set his translation circuits for ancient Greek and spent two and a half hours listening to utter gibberish before quitting the amphitheatre. In visiting different eras, please be aware of the delicate shifting of word usage. While you may be able to get by with a couple of years of high school German or French, do not for a moment, think a master's degree in English will enable you understand a whit in the court of Alfred the Great or even Elizabeth the first. For that matter, there were many places in the realm of Elizabeth the second where that particular degree would do you little good.

     Weaponry. Under no circumstances should you include a weapon in your list of necessities. In most instances whatever you chose to take along will be anachronistic, woefully inadequate, and an unnecessary burden on your power consumption. That is not to say you shouldn't be conversant with all forms of weapons, particularly those not designed to spit lead pellets across great distances, just that you should wait until you've arrived, ascertained the need, and then choose something close at hand, whether it be a dueling sword or a candlestick.

     Your safest option, of course, is a good understanding of debate, a pacifist nature, and a diplomatic bent.

     Now you know what you shouldn't take, it's time to talk about what you should. Costume is very important. When preparing for a journey of this nature, dress as carefully as you would when going to meet the leader of your country or a rock star. Take you time and don't neglect the small details like the proper undergarments, buttons of carved bone, or shoes with leather soles. Ladies should be cautioned against including cosmetics in their equipment. Makeup has been readily available for the past six or seven thousand years, even where soap is in short supply. However, in putting on the best face, you should be prepared to spend freely.

     Pack the proper currency with the same care you took in your wardrobe. This may sound a trifling matter to you, until your try to purchase a meal with coin bearing the profile of the wrong Caesar. One traveler, known for his meticulous preparations, just barely escaped being ripped to shreds in the Coliseum for the enjoyment of a crowd of drunken Romans.

      No matter your destination, carry a good supply of toilet paper. Trust that the writers of this document know what they are talking about or you could end up using whatever comes to hand, which might be your hand. And remember in Arabic countries to use the left hand, the right being reserved for eating, and don't confuse the two lest an unpleasant incident ensue.

     On the subject of ends, never drink the water in your chosen location. Hygiene is a discovery of recent times and water-testing apparatus would give away your true nature. Be content with the local brews, or a bottle of wine or Champagne. These drinks will hold you in good stead and you will be able to complete your visit without falling victim to any of the more humiliating, water-borne infirmities of past ages.

     Only one last thing of vital importance to touch on and you will be free to journey at leisure. This, of course, is the shift from the Julian to the Gregorian calendar and its effect on great chunks of history, when viewed from the current day. This particular decision had, among other things, the whimsical effect of changing, within his lifetime, the month, day, and year of George Washington's birth. So don't forget to convert a Julian day number, JD, to a day, month and year in the Gregorian calendar in calculating your destination. This is the simple formula used for the conversion.

For the Gregorian calendar:
     a=JD + 32044
     b=(4*a+3)/146097
     c=a-(b*146097/4

For the Julian calendar:
     b=0
     c=JD + 32082

For both calendars:
     d=(4*c+3)/1461
     e=c-(1461*d)/4
     m=(5*e+2)/153

     day = e-(153*m+2)/5 = 1
     month = m+3-12* (m/10)
     year = b*100+d-4800 + m/10

     That's about it. Do try to keep in mind the nasty consequences of altering what has been, and changing the future you have to come back to. After all, if you mess up too much, you could be stuck mucking out the stables of Versailles until you die of an over eager case of syphilis while some descendant of Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette tries to invent the internal combustion engine. And none of us would want that.

     To activate your time machine, simply type 666 on the keyboard before activating the time circuits again and good luck to you.

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